Funnies

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a
part time job at the local K-Mart.
Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee-skinny,
glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, Dan, do you
think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?
Dan laughs to himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, Absolutely.
The Manager continued, In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you
think you've got those qualities?
Again, Dan laughs to himself, Is this f**king guy serious? but he says again, Absolutely!
Well let me show you how it's done,says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there Yup," responds the customer
The manager winks at Dan and says, Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?
Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. Yeah! That's a great idea. The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that? Hell, yeah!" says Dan, Just watch!!
Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there, says Dan.
The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, Yup. A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, Would you be
interested in buying a new lawnmower?
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?
Dan winks at his manager and says, Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your
pants," she said."That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants
in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

New Train Set
~~~A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. " As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A Perfect Day:
PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lb.
13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
22:00 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Blowjob.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your
choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Bush resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Somewhere in the tree of human development there is a branch. And on that
branch is a twig. And on that twig there is a leaf.

This guy is that leaf and something is very, very wrong.

A proper Darwinian perspective would have been to let him go on with his
magnificent journey and inevitably a cleansing of the gene pool would have
followed in good order.

Lest you think that you are special.

My Sister The Blonde

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailerto your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her word, 'Comfortable'?" The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow...

TOP 10 THINGS U WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
*Smart man + smart woman = romance
*Smart man + dumb woman = affair
*Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
*Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
*OFFICE ARITHMETIC
*Smart boss + smart employee = profit
*Smart boss + dumb employee = production
*Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
*Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
*SHOPPING MATH
*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
*GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
*A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
*HAPPINESS
*To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love himlittle.
*To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
*MEMORY
*Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
*APPEARANCE
*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
*PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
*DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
*A woman has the last word in any argument.
*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll
call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Your little baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and find the door locked. He peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the Future is
in Deep Shit."

QUESTION?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since
the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to
test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the
equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much
pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He
read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried
every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally,
the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't
worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons."

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while
sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby .... all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts
it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in
the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants."The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and
buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves
with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when
he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my
husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in
here". He looks around trying to find out where it came
from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in
here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if
you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna
scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as
soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet
and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the
lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he
sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like
that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church
and you can tell the priest how you got that money in
confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's
dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."