Bad Day?

True Story:
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).Anyway, anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
April 1998

Hi, Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling
brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden,
my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for
my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the
medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

Dear Dog,
I'm so sorry that you were sent to the pound for the
broken lamp that you did not break,
for the fish that you did not eat,
for the carpet that you did not wet.
Things here at the house are a lot calmer now,
and just to show you that I have no hard feelings, I am sending you a picture*, so you'll always remember me.

Your friend,
The Cat.

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work
you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and
you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded
for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play
games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At
work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors
yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you
can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At
work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At
work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At
work we call them managers!

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the lottery!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so
happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

True Story
This from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and
now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they need to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand
Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the
dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)
Yes, the dog was a highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.
----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two goobers standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance
company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!!
And you thought your day was not going well!!!

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he
says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male
and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a
brain?"


				*Jax* *Bad Day?*



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		It could be worse... See.....it really could be worse. What if THIS happened to YOU... Click here to see just how bad it could get!!



		True Story: Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy. April 1998 Hi, Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable. Pissed off at work....Send one of these to your boss! Dear Dog, I'm so sorry that you were sent to the pound for the broken lamp that you did not break, for the fish that you did not eat, for the carpet that you did not wet. Things here at the house are a lot calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings, I am sending you a picture, so you'll always remember me. Your friend, The Cat. What if you were this guy...?* or one of these guys....? Prison vs. Work In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers! A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!" True Story This from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they need to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?) Yes, the dog was a highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two goobers standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well!!! A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"



		Miss. Jaxy Productions 2001, Bla bla bla...